The Cost of Justice - Part 2

We had three kids, and life was full. And then we heard the orphan's cry. We brought home a little girl with special needs from China. It was while we were waiting to go get her, that God brought this second little girl from Central America into our lives. She was beautiful. As we stared at her little picture, God confided to us that her special needs were not the kind that can be plainly seen. We knew. She was meant to be our daughter and we prepared as best we could to bring her into our family and love her with all of our might. Except, as it turns out, we are weak and our love is so insufficient.

With the news buzzing all around us in recent weeks regarding the adoptive mom who put her Russian son back on a plane to Russia, my heart has been so burdened. I have been silent for far too long. It is the time to pour out what has been brewing in my heart for months now. All I can think is that this mother must have felt terribly alone to have been convinced that putting her son on that plane was her only option. But the truth is...adoption is hard. Period. And if you add to that adopting an older child, a child with special needs, or siblings, then adoption is very hard. But that is not what you normally hear. Too many adoptive parents are struggling alone in their own frustration, confusion and despair. They don't want to give adoption a bad name, so they keep quiet. They love their children, but their love is not enough. Many times, when there are other children in the home, the feeling of constant guilt is added to the despair and frustration. And adoptive parents know that they cannot put into words what is really going on with this precious child whom they love and fought and sacrificed for.

For ten months, my heart has wrestled with my daughter. She came to us broken. I have experienced every emotion available to the human heart regarding this little girl who I call daughter. I love her. But my love is not enough to overcome the early neglect and abuse and abandonment that she suffered. Her brain is not hardwired to receive love, but to survive. What God created her to be has been altered by things never meant to be experienced by small children...or anyone for that matter. She doesn't know how to be. She only knows how to survive. She doesn't know how to love or to receive love. She only knows how to fight to try to get what she already has. And I have come face to face with the darkness of my own soul. Truth be known, I do not know how to love this child. And each and every day is a struggle to find my own capacity to love and to hope that somehow it changes her. But I fail. All the time.

So where does that leave us? I'm probably being too honest for some of you. Here's what I know today. Regardless of the facts, the diagnoses and all the reality of how far my daughter has to go before she can return to the person God created her to be, my hope is secure. I know that God is able to heal her heart. I cannot heal her or change her. I can not hug enough, listen enough, have enough grace, or even sometimes lecture enough to bring about a change in this little life. All I know is that God placed her here in our family as the place where HE intends to heal her broken heart. And I am here to say that the cost to our family....is enormous. But she is worth it. Period. He redeemed my own life from a total disaster. And He asked us - as He asks all of us - to step out of our comfort zone, lay aside our fears and get our hands dirty. And we said yes. Is it hard? Excruciatingly. Are we out on a limb way past our comfort zone? You bet. But every single day there is the satisfaction of knowing that we have chosen to lay down our lives of comfort and embrace God...to know that we are only in this place because we asked that "What now" question out of our sacred discontent, laid down our fears, looked past our suburban backyard, and embraced the unknown. And it is a privilege to sit on the front row of God's redeeming, miracle-working power in this little life. I don't have the answers. I can't do it. I am trying my best to love. And God has got it. Is justice for this one costly? Yes. Was justice for me - and you - costly? More than you know.