My heart is full. Full of grief and anger, among other things. And full of HOPE. It's difficult to put into words this understanding that is beginning to emerge in my heart regarding justice. Seven years ago, my husband and I had our hearts broken for the orphaned girls of China. The more we researched, the more overwhelmed we got. It wasn't just a few thousand girls and it wasn't just China. There were orphans everywhere. A common statistic that is thrown around is 147 million orphans on our earth right now. No one knows the real number. And often, numbers don't mean anything to us if we can't relate to them. If you stop for a whole minute and meditate on that number - 147 million - can you get a grip on that as it applies to children living on our planet alone? I can't. Until I see them, touch them, hold them and look into their eyes, it is really just a number. We began praying fervently at that time for the Church in America - and later, as more understanding came to us - for the Church all over the globe to WAKE UP. Why in the world were there this many children without parents, growing up alone and vulnerable in the world while the Church slept?
Over the past 7 years, we have seen an answer to our prayers. Many organizations have sprung up during this time, many individuals have answered God's call, and many pastors have become passionate and instrumental in leading their congregations to respond to the cause of the orphan. We have a long way to go as a Church in understanding the James 1:27 mandate to care for orphans, but we have come a LONG way. As our involvement through prayer, awareness, and advocacy has continued, we came to understand the adoption/orphan tie as it relates to abortion. Randy Bohlender, founder of the Zoe Foundation, was instrumental to our understanding of the fact that most likely God has not answered our cries to end abortion because, as a Church, we are not prepared to be the alternative. Until Christians are fully aware and ready to parent not only the children who are on the earth without parents already, but also the additional 1.2 million children per year that would be in need of parents in the U.S. alone if abortion ended, we will not see the ending of abortion. Clearly, the orphan issue as it relates to the global Church and abortion are inextricably tied together. They cannot be separated.
More recently, we are starting to put another piece of this puzzle in place. Human trafficking is an issue that has been on our hearts for a long time. In fact, this is a deeply personal issue for me, which I hope to elaborate on someday. Until recently though, my mind held the two issues apart: orphans and trafficking. But just like adoption and abortion are inextricably intertwined, so are orphans and the trafficking issue.
As Christ continues to reveal His heart towards His precious children, I truly believe He has chosen this season for His Church to see a new facet of the same issue - the issue of human trafficking - as it relates to His children. Daily, Christians, who once camped in a place of safety, not wanting to acknowledge the depth of evil for what it is, are waking up to this reality. Many are having their eyes, ears, and hearts opened to the reality that most orphans who age out of orphanages will face. Human trafficking is the fastest growing criminal industry in the world today, after drugs and arms. There are statistics all over the internet, but you can take a look here to get a start. A child who is not adopted will eventually be trafficked, with rare exception. When I say "trafficked" I am referring to what Exodus Cry defines as an "exploitation of vulnerability" where children are forced into labor, war or prostitution against their will.
I truly believe that in order to combat any one of these three justice issues burning on the heart of God - abortion, orphans, and human trafficking - we will have to take a holistic approach and begin to treat these issues not separately, but together, as one massive issue. If I dwell here long enough, other issues start swirling in my mind also. Poverty. Disease. An overall spiritual depravity that has set the stage for it all. It's overwhelming to try to pick it apart. But to the Lord it is all simple. We must remain child-like in our approach to justice, doing the one thing in front of us at any given time. Ultimately, Christ will return to the earth to bring justice to the oppressed. With each passing day, I can hear the distant thunder growing just a bit louder. He is coming and "In faithfulness He will bring forth justice; He will not falter or be discouraged til He establishes justice on earth." (Isa. 42: 3-4) One day indeed "He will lay bare His holy arm in the sight of all nations, and all the ends of the earth will see His salvation." (Isa. 52:10). Until then, it is our job to say to those with fearful hearts: "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, He will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you." (Isa 35:4).
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The Woman in the Dirt
I seem to have a new friend. I don't know her name. I know that sounds strange. I find myself thinking of her often, throughout the day. When I'm frustrated with my messy house, suddenly I see my friend in hers and I repent. My house is spacious and has running water, and heat. My friend lives in a small hut the size of my childrens' bathroom with a dirt floor. My house is cluttered with all the things she and her children do not have. When I complain about having a headache, I remember my friend, and I repent. She is burning with fever and though she feels like lying in bed all day, she gets up and walks two miles to get dirty water for her family. Today when I felt overwhelmed with the responsibilities that come with five children and all their needs, I remembered my friend and I repented. My husband will help shoulder all that I carry this week in taking care of our five children, but my friend will care alone for many more, in spite of her health and lack of resource. I could go on...when I am frustrated by our "lack" of resources, when I "can't" find clean clothes for everyone to wear because I haven't used my washing machine to wash them, when I don't know what to make for dinner because there's "no food" in the house because I haven't had time to drive to the grocery store and swipe my check card for a basket load of groceries........but you get the idea.
I can't explain it. She's just there, constantly in my thoughts. Don't get the idea that I've finally gone off my rocker (that happened a long time ago). She doesn't talk to me and she is not imaginary. In fact, she is quite real. She is God's gift to me - a constant reminder. Not a reminder to be thankful for what I have because I am so "blessed". I am thankful, and I should be. No, she is a constant reminder to me of Luke 12:48. "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I've said it before. I wasn't born into a wealthy nation and given a home and a family and two cars and an education and great medical care and clean water and food in abundance because God loves me more than He loves HER. I also don't think I just won some kind of heavenly lottery, making me the one who happened to be holding this ticket, while SHE held hers. Let's face it. I honestly believe that for whatever reason, God chose my life for me as a test of my heart. My friend loves Jesus purely. He is her hope and her joy. Period. Do I love Jesus like that? Or am I distracted by the very things I call "blessing." I truly believe that I must find a different definition of blessing, because it is not these material comforts that distract me and tempt me to divert my gaze from a simple and pure-hearted devotion to Christ. I'm not ungrateful, but let's face it...maybe some days I am a little too grateful for these "blessings" because I don't wish to live like HER.
He told us in Matt. 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." So these material comforts I call "blessings" actually qualify as earthly treasures and I am clearly instructed (DO NOT) not to store them up for myself here on earth. In other words, my focus is all wrong when I count my material comforts as "blessings" and even more wrong when I'm tempted to spend any time pursuing them or saving them for later. There is something else there. Something I'm totally missing. The treasures of heaven. They don't look like my nice suburban house, my cars, my food, my bank account, my clean water....
So where are these treasures? What is it that I am to count worthy of spending my time saving and investing my thoughts and heart into? I don't have to look far for my answer. I only have to look outside my bubble and look at HER. She is an African woman, dying of AIDS, with 8 children who wakes up every day wondering who will care for her children once she is gone. I don't know her name, only that there are thousands upon thousands like her. From my vantage point, she lives in a dark place. She lives "there" in one of those places where I don't like to go in my head because I am confronted with these questions that swirl through my heart. In my way of seeing the world, her place is dark, hopeless. And there are many others who live in that same dark place....children being sold for sex, millions of them. Babies lying hopeless in cold, dark, damp orphanages in Eastern Europe. A little girl growing up in my daughter's old orphanage in China....except now she is being "fostered" by abusive parents and will NEVER be adopted or know love on this earth....that one hits a little too close to home. Why did my daughter get picked? Is she blessed? What about the other little girl - Is she NOT blessed? I have to admit that I can spend days or even weeks musing over these things and have no ability to express them or even come up with a clue about why my mind keeps finding itself there. But then, the clouds clear and a little light breaks through. And this is what I see: "I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." (Isa. 45) That's it. That's where the treasure is. In the dark places. And He will give this treasure to me so that I will know He is God. But I have to be willing to go to the dark places to find it. In the end, what is the "much more" that is asked of ME? It's choosing to go to the dark places. SHE doesn't have to go out of her way for that....SHE is already there.
I can't explain it. She's just there, constantly in my thoughts. Don't get the idea that I've finally gone off my rocker (that happened a long time ago). She doesn't talk to me and she is not imaginary. In fact, she is quite real. She is God's gift to me - a constant reminder. Not a reminder to be thankful for what I have because I am so "blessed". I am thankful, and I should be. No, she is a constant reminder to me of Luke 12:48. "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I've said it before. I wasn't born into a wealthy nation and given a home and a family and two cars and an education and great medical care and clean water and food in abundance because God loves me more than He loves HER. I also don't think I just won some kind of heavenly lottery, making me the one who happened to be holding this ticket, while SHE held hers. Let's face it. I honestly believe that for whatever reason, God chose my life for me as a test of my heart. My friend loves Jesus purely. He is her hope and her joy. Period. Do I love Jesus like that? Or am I distracted by the very things I call "blessing." I truly believe that I must find a different definition of blessing, because it is not these material comforts that distract me and tempt me to divert my gaze from a simple and pure-hearted devotion to Christ. I'm not ungrateful, but let's face it...maybe some days I am a little too grateful for these "blessings" because I don't wish to live like HER.
He told us in Matt. 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." So these material comforts I call "blessings" actually qualify as earthly treasures and I am clearly instructed (DO NOT) not to store them up for myself here on earth. In other words, my focus is all wrong when I count my material comforts as "blessings" and even more wrong when I'm tempted to spend any time pursuing them or saving them for later. There is something else there. Something I'm totally missing. The treasures of heaven. They don't look like my nice suburban house, my cars, my food, my bank account, my clean water....
So where are these treasures? What is it that I am to count worthy of spending my time saving and investing my thoughts and heart into? I don't have to look far for my answer. I only have to look outside my bubble and look at HER. She is an African woman, dying of AIDS, with 8 children who wakes up every day wondering who will care for her children once she is gone. I don't know her name, only that there are thousands upon thousands like her. From my vantage point, she lives in a dark place. She lives "there" in one of those places where I don't like to go in my head because I am confronted with these questions that swirl through my heart. In my way of seeing the world, her place is dark, hopeless. And there are many others who live in that same dark place....children being sold for sex, millions of them. Babies lying hopeless in cold, dark, damp orphanages in Eastern Europe. A little girl growing up in my daughter's old orphanage in China....except now she is being "fostered" by abusive parents and will NEVER be adopted or know love on this earth....that one hits a little too close to home. Why did my daughter get picked? Is she blessed? What about the other little girl - Is she NOT blessed? I have to admit that I can spend days or even weeks musing over these things and have no ability to express them or even come up with a clue about why my mind keeps finding itself there. But then, the clouds clear and a little light breaks through. And this is what I see: "I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." (Isa. 45) That's it. That's where the treasure is. In the dark places. And He will give this treasure to me so that I will know He is God. But I have to be willing to go to the dark places to find it. In the end, what is the "much more" that is asked of ME? It's choosing to go to the dark places. SHE doesn't have to go out of her way for that....SHE is already there.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
2010 World Cup - Prayer for Sex Trafficking Industry
As over half a million people have traveled to South Africa to attend the World Cup, 40,000 women and girls have been trafficked in to meet the sex demands of these tourists. Our prayers are their only hope. Won't you please go to the Exodus Cry website and download their prayer guide and open your mouth for the speechless? We must give voice to the silent cries of the hearts of these young women and girls who are trapped. These are our sisters. They are our daughters. We simply cannot remain ignorant or unmoved by their plight. God, break our hearts for the things that break yours.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Broken Hearts and Baby Birds
In my last post I shared my heart and the fact that, even though I am here, day in and day out, that I cannot heal my adopted children's hearts. If God does not show up, we won't make it. But there's not a chance that He's gonna bail on this. His heart is so for them, it makes my head spin. To think about how much He had to orchestrate to put these two little girls in our family blows my mind. And why He chose me to be their mother is a mystery still unraveling. Day after day I watch as He displays His strength to heal them in spite of my weaknesses.
Today I am not only awed, but wrecked. To tell this story, I will have to back up to May 1997....13 long years ago. My 3 1/2 year old daughter had begged us for a baby brother or sister, but God had not provided one for her and she was hands-on-hips incensed by this! But alas, God heard her prayers and at least was sending her a baby cousin who would live just around the corner from us. She anticipated Baby's arrival with the rest of us and had big plans for him. She talked to him through my sister's belly and waited - impatiently - for his arrival. Just days before Baby was due to be delivered into this world, he went to live with Jesus. My heart was so broken for my sister and her husband. In our own grief, my husband and I had the task of trying to explain to our daughter why the answer to her prayers would not be arriving to attend her tea parties. My heart broke as we tried the best we knew how to comfort her. At three she didn't get "dead". Three year olds do not think abstractly, and death is an abstract concept. She wanted to know why she still couldn't see him, hold him, play with him.....
While I was still making trips back and forth to the hospital, I came home one day and my little girl had found a baby bird that had fallen from his nest. I was really too tired to even think about caring for this little bird, but my daughter was delighted to take him in and insisted that we save him. I wrapped him up in a little box and explained to my daughter that when she got up from her nap we would take him to someone who knew how to feed and care for baby birds who have lost their mommies. Silently, I prayed he wouldn't die. I didn't think my heart - or hers - could take it. She named him Kik Kik and went to take her nap.
While she was napping, Kik Kik also went to be with Jesus.
Believe me, I had words with God. Seriously, Lord? You're kidding, right? Really? I sat there and tried to figure out how I would ever explain to my daughter why God would let this happen. How would I ever defend His character to my three year old when it was in question for me personally? I couldn't imagine what He was thinking.
When she got up from her nap, my daughter ran straight to the baby bird's box. I cringed and began to explain to her that he had died while she slept. I saw total disappointment begin to emerge and my own heart just screamed. But then something amazing happened. She picked him up. And she held death in her hands. She touched it, examined it and experienced it personally. What had been too abstract to resolve the confusion in her little heart over the death of her baby cousin, suddenly became concrete understanding. Slowly, (and God knows I can be really slow in getting His ways!) I began to realize what God had done for my daughter. This dead baby bird had been His gift to my three year old.
Today another little baby bird came into our lives to heal a hurting heart. My adopted daughter, the little one from Central America, had asked me a question out of the blue just as I was about to make dinner at the end of a busy day. It was one of those questions every adoptive parent knows is coming and plans to answer in a certain way and yet is still caught off guard when it happens.
"Why didn't I grow in your belly?"
For the first time ever, I explained to my little girl about her birth mom. I told her her name and how much she loved her, and how she couldn't care for her because she was too sick, and how she had gone to be with Jesus last year. I told her how Jesus knew that she needed a family and how He had allowed her to grow in mine and Daddy's heart so that she could grow up with a mom and dad who loved her and would always take care of her. I wanted her to know that God knew she would need a family and that He had lovingly provided that for her.
She sobbed.
In that moment, I was completely powerless to do anything to alleviate the pain in her heart. I cried out silently to God to come and heal her broken heart. Is this what justice looks like? Adoption itself is not just a story of gain for a child and a family. It doesn't exist without first being a story of profound loss in the life of a child. And here I am. Just sitting and holding this little broken heart....because He asked me to. Not because I can do anything to heal her. Not because I am capable of putting those pieces back together. I just sat and held and prayed.
In just that moment, one of my boys came running in to announce that he had just found a baby bird on the ground outside. My little girl wanted to see. As we got there, God was speaking to me. This baby bird was for her. I showed her how the baby had fallen from his nest way up high in the tree and how the momma bird was powerless to help him. I told her that God had sent us to save him so that he wouldn't die and so that we could get him to a safe place where he would be able to grow up into a fine, strong bird. I placed him in a box and put the box in my daughter's hands.
And this time, my hurting little girl was holding adoption in her hands.
She touched it, examined it and experienced it personally. What had been too abstract just minutes before to resolve the confusion in her little heart over the loss of her first mother, suddenly became concrete understanding. This baby bird was His gift to my broken-hearted five year old.
We located a wildlife rehabilitator just around the corner from us and all 7 of us...I mean, all 8 of us... piled into the van. My little girl held him in her lap the whole way and then delivered him herself into the hands of his new adoptive mommy.
Is she healed? No. Did God begin a healing work in her heart - something I am completely powerless to do - with a little baby bird, just as He did for my 16 year old all those years ago? Yes. And I stand in awe, once again, of His amazing ability to make all things new.
Today I am not only awed, but wrecked. To tell this story, I will have to back up to May 1997....13 long years ago. My 3 1/2 year old daughter had begged us for a baby brother or sister, but God had not provided one for her and she was hands-on-hips incensed by this! But alas, God heard her prayers and at least was sending her a baby cousin who would live just around the corner from us. She anticipated Baby's arrival with the rest of us and had big plans for him. She talked to him through my sister's belly and waited - impatiently - for his arrival. Just days before Baby was due to be delivered into this world, he went to live with Jesus. My heart was so broken for my sister and her husband. In our own grief, my husband and I had the task of trying to explain to our daughter why the answer to her prayers would not be arriving to attend her tea parties. My heart broke as we tried the best we knew how to comfort her. At three she didn't get "dead". Three year olds do not think abstractly, and death is an abstract concept. She wanted to know why she still couldn't see him, hold him, play with him.....
While I was still making trips back and forth to the hospital, I came home one day and my little girl had found a baby bird that had fallen from his nest. I was really too tired to even think about caring for this little bird, but my daughter was delighted to take him in and insisted that we save him. I wrapped him up in a little box and explained to my daughter that when she got up from her nap we would take him to someone who knew how to feed and care for baby birds who have lost their mommies. Silently, I prayed he wouldn't die. I didn't think my heart - or hers - could take it. She named him Kik Kik and went to take her nap.
While she was napping, Kik Kik also went to be with Jesus.
Believe me, I had words with God. Seriously, Lord? You're kidding, right? Really? I sat there and tried to figure out how I would ever explain to my daughter why God would let this happen. How would I ever defend His character to my three year old when it was in question for me personally? I couldn't imagine what He was thinking.
When she got up from her nap, my daughter ran straight to the baby bird's box. I cringed and began to explain to her that he had died while she slept. I saw total disappointment begin to emerge and my own heart just screamed. But then something amazing happened. She picked him up. And she held death in her hands. She touched it, examined it and experienced it personally. What had been too abstract to resolve the confusion in her little heart over the death of her baby cousin, suddenly became concrete understanding. Slowly, (and God knows I can be really slow in getting His ways!) I began to realize what God had done for my daughter. This dead baby bird had been His gift to my three year old.
Today another little baby bird came into our lives to heal a hurting heart. My adopted daughter, the little one from Central America, had asked me a question out of the blue just as I was about to make dinner at the end of a busy day. It was one of those questions every adoptive parent knows is coming and plans to answer in a certain way and yet is still caught off guard when it happens.
"Why didn't I grow in your belly?"
For the first time ever, I explained to my little girl about her birth mom. I told her her name and how much she loved her, and how she couldn't care for her because she was too sick, and how she had gone to be with Jesus last year. I told her how Jesus knew that she needed a family and how He had allowed her to grow in mine and Daddy's heart so that she could grow up with a mom and dad who loved her and would always take care of her. I wanted her to know that God knew she would need a family and that He had lovingly provided that for her.
She sobbed.
In that moment, I was completely powerless to do anything to alleviate the pain in her heart. I cried out silently to God to come and heal her broken heart. Is this what justice looks like? Adoption itself is not just a story of gain for a child and a family. It doesn't exist without first being a story of profound loss in the life of a child. And here I am. Just sitting and holding this little broken heart....because He asked me to. Not because I can do anything to heal her. Not because I am capable of putting those pieces back together. I just sat and held and prayed.
In just that moment, one of my boys came running in to announce that he had just found a baby bird on the ground outside. My little girl wanted to see. As we got there, God was speaking to me. This baby bird was for her. I showed her how the baby had fallen from his nest way up high in the tree and how the momma bird was powerless to help him. I told her that God had sent us to save him so that he wouldn't die and so that we could get him to a safe place where he would be able to grow up into a fine, strong bird. I placed him in a box and put the box in my daughter's hands.
And this time, my hurting little girl was holding adoption in her hands.
She touched it, examined it and experienced it personally. What had been too abstract just minutes before to resolve the confusion in her little heart over the loss of her first mother, suddenly became concrete understanding. This baby bird was His gift to my broken-hearted five year old.
We located a wildlife rehabilitator just around the corner from us and all 7 of us...I mean, all 8 of us... piled into the van. My little girl held him in her lap the whole way and then delivered him herself into the hands of his new adoptive mommy.
Is she healed? No. Did God begin a healing work in her heart - something I am completely powerless to do - with a little baby bird, just as He did for my 16 year old all those years ago? Yes. And I stand in awe, once again, of His amazing ability to make all things new.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Cost of Justice - Part 2
We had three kids, and life was full. And then we heard the orphan's cry. We brought home a little girl with special needs from China. It was while we were waiting to go get her, that God brought this second little girl from Central America into our lives. She was beautiful. As we stared at her little picture, God confided to us that her special needs were not the kind that can be plainly seen. We knew. She was meant to be our daughter and we prepared as best we could to bring her into our family and love her with all of our might. Except, as it turns out, we are weak and our love is so insufficient.
With the news buzzing all around us in recent weeks regarding the adoptive mom who put her Russian son back on a plane to Russia, my heart has been so burdened. I have been silent for far too long. It is the time to pour out what has been brewing in my heart for months now. All I can think is that this mother must have felt terribly alone to have been convinced that putting her son on that plane was her only option. But the truth is...adoption is hard. Period. And if you add to that adopting an older child, a child with special needs, or siblings, then adoption is very hard. But that is not what you normally hear. Too many adoptive parents are struggling alone in their own frustration, confusion and despair. They don't want to give adoption a bad name, so they keep quiet. They love their children, but their love is not enough. Many times, when there are other children in the home, the feeling of constant guilt is added to the despair and frustration. And adoptive parents know that they cannot put into words what is really going on with this precious child whom they love and fought and sacrificed for.
For ten months, my heart has wrestled with my daughter. She came to us broken. I have experienced every emotion available to the human heart regarding this little girl who I call daughter. I love her. But my love is not enough to overcome the early neglect and abuse and abandonment that she suffered. Her brain is not hardwired to receive love, but to survive. What God created her to be has been altered by things never meant to be experienced by small children...or anyone for that matter. She doesn't know how to be. She only knows how to survive. She doesn't know how to love or to receive love. She only knows how to fight to try to get what she already has. And I have come face to face with the darkness of my own soul. Truth be known, I do not know how to love this child. And each and every day is a struggle to find my own capacity to love and to hope that somehow it changes her. But I fail. All the time.
So where does that leave us? I'm probably being too honest for some of you. Here's what I know today. Regardless of the facts, the diagnoses and all the reality of how far my daughter has to go before she can return to the person God created her to be, my hope is secure. I know that God is able to heal her heart. I cannot heal her or change her. I can not hug enough, listen enough, have enough grace, or even sometimes lecture enough to bring about a change in this little life. All I know is that God placed her here in our family as the place where HE intends to heal her broken heart. And I am here to say that the cost to our family....is enormous. But she is worth it. Period. He redeemed my own life from a total disaster. And He asked us - as He asks all of us - to step out of our comfort zone, lay aside our fears and get our hands dirty. And we said yes. Is it hard? Excruciatingly. Are we out on a limb way past our comfort zone? You bet. But every single day there is the satisfaction of knowing that we have chosen to lay down our lives of comfort and embrace God...to know that we are only in this place because we asked that "What now" question out of our sacred discontent, laid down our fears, looked past our suburban backyard, and embraced the unknown. And it is a privilege to sit on the front row of God's redeeming, miracle-working power in this little life. I don't have the answers. I can't do it. I am trying my best to love. And God has got it. Is justice for this one costly? Yes. Was justice for me - and you - costly? More than you know.
With the news buzzing all around us in recent weeks regarding the adoptive mom who put her Russian son back on a plane to Russia, my heart has been so burdened. I have been silent for far too long. It is the time to pour out what has been brewing in my heart for months now. All I can think is that this mother must have felt terribly alone to have been convinced that putting her son on that plane was her only option. But the truth is...adoption is hard. Period. And if you add to that adopting an older child, a child with special needs, or siblings, then adoption is very hard. But that is not what you normally hear. Too many adoptive parents are struggling alone in their own frustration, confusion and despair. They don't want to give adoption a bad name, so they keep quiet. They love their children, but their love is not enough. Many times, when there are other children in the home, the feeling of constant guilt is added to the despair and frustration. And adoptive parents know that they cannot put into words what is really going on with this precious child whom they love and fought and sacrificed for.
For ten months, my heart has wrestled with my daughter. She came to us broken. I have experienced every emotion available to the human heart regarding this little girl who I call daughter. I love her. But my love is not enough to overcome the early neglect and abuse and abandonment that she suffered. Her brain is not hardwired to receive love, but to survive. What God created her to be has been altered by things never meant to be experienced by small children...or anyone for that matter. She doesn't know how to be. She only knows how to survive. She doesn't know how to love or to receive love. She only knows how to fight to try to get what she already has. And I have come face to face with the darkness of my own soul. Truth be known, I do not know how to love this child. And each and every day is a struggle to find my own capacity to love and to hope that somehow it changes her. But I fail. All the time.
So where does that leave us? I'm probably being too honest for some of you. Here's what I know today. Regardless of the facts, the diagnoses and all the reality of how far my daughter has to go before she can return to the person God created her to be, my hope is secure. I know that God is able to heal her heart. I cannot heal her or change her. I can not hug enough, listen enough, have enough grace, or even sometimes lecture enough to bring about a change in this little life. All I know is that God placed her here in our family as the place where HE intends to heal her broken heart. And I am here to say that the cost to our family....is enormous. But she is worth it. Period. He redeemed my own life from a total disaster. And He asked us - as He asks all of us - to step out of our comfort zone, lay aside our fears and get our hands dirty. And we said yes. Is it hard? Excruciatingly. Are we out on a limb way past our comfort zone? You bet. But every single day there is the satisfaction of knowing that we have chosen to lay down our lives of comfort and embrace God...to know that we are only in this place because we asked that "What now" question out of our sacred discontent, laid down our fears, looked past our suburban backyard, and embraced the unknown. And it is a privilege to sit on the front row of God's redeeming, miracle-working power in this little life. I don't have the answers. I can't do it. I am trying my best to love. And God has got it. Is justice for this one costly? Yes. Was justice for me - and you - costly? More than you know.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The Cost of Justice - Part 1
It's difficult to put into words what has transpired over the past 15 months since I last posted to this blog. Shortly after I penned those last words on Habakkuk, we got an email saying that the little girl that our family had been trying to adopt for the past 2 1/2 years had been assigned to another family. As the story unfolded it became clear that much foul play had been involved. We were suddenly faced with fighting a very corrupt attorney general in a foreign country, and we knew NO ONE who could help us. Truth be known, we might have just let her go - with much pain and heartache - had God not specifically made it clear to our family that this little girl belonged with us. That in itself is a long story, but suffice it to say, we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God did not want us to walk away and thus we were thrust into a 6 month long battle of epic proportions.
Now let's be clear on one thing. God loves the orphan. And as His body we are called to do no less, whatever that looks like. Oh, how much easier said than done this is! To love the one child God had placed on our hearts, we have paid a much higher price that I could have imagined when we first began this journey. When we made the decision to say yes to God, to bring justice to this one little girl, we had an idea that things might be difficult. The country she lived in was not really open to adoptions. Our agency had never facilitated an adoption from there before. She would be four by the time we got her home, so we would be dealing with adopting an older child. Indeed she turned out to be nearly 5 when we did bring her home at the end of a three year long process. We knew some of the sad details of her little short life and figured there would be emotional needs beyond our capability to deal with...that we would have to rely fully on the Lord's guidance, wisdom and healing for her. But truly we had no idea that adopting her would mean standing up to a foreign "king" and trusting God to save us...and her. That it would mean 3 months of nearly 10 hours a day of emails and phone calls and letters desperately fighting to see her placed where we knew God wanted her. That ultimately God would part the sea in front of us just as the enemy was bearing down on us. His deliverance of our little girl into our family is nothing short of a total miracle.
But today, as I sit here, I know that she would not be here had we not engaged this battle. Ultimately, God would be the One and Only reason she would be here, but He asked us to fight. And so we did. And....we paid a huge price. financially. emotionally. physically. But we emerged carrying treasure. Words can't express the feeling of really knowing the weight that God carries in His heart for one child. I can't really even begin to explain what it is to know that how we fought for our daughter is how he fights for us - each of us - as the enemy wages war against our souls to deliver us to a destination that was not meant to be ours. There is something holy about the battle we engaged as we had the unique privilege to glimpse God's heart in a way I don't believe we ever would have otherwise. And we are changed.
But can I confide something in you? The battle that we fought to bring our daughter into our family, as crazy and unbelievable as it was, is nothing compared to the battle we have fought since we got her home. Look for Part 2 as I share something that God has laid on my heart to share as I emerge from the past 9 months of battling the darkness inside my own heart and my daughter's.
Now let's be clear on one thing. God loves the orphan. And as His body we are called to do no less, whatever that looks like. Oh, how much easier said than done this is! To love the one child God had placed on our hearts, we have paid a much higher price that I could have imagined when we first began this journey. When we made the decision to say yes to God, to bring justice to this one little girl, we had an idea that things might be difficult. The country she lived in was not really open to adoptions. Our agency had never facilitated an adoption from there before. She would be four by the time we got her home, so we would be dealing with adopting an older child. Indeed she turned out to be nearly 5 when we did bring her home at the end of a three year long process. We knew some of the sad details of her little short life and figured there would be emotional needs beyond our capability to deal with...that we would have to rely fully on the Lord's guidance, wisdom and healing for her. But truly we had no idea that adopting her would mean standing up to a foreign "king" and trusting God to save us...and her. That it would mean 3 months of nearly 10 hours a day of emails and phone calls and letters desperately fighting to see her placed where we knew God wanted her. That ultimately God would part the sea in front of us just as the enemy was bearing down on us. His deliverance of our little girl into our family is nothing short of a total miracle.
But today, as I sit here, I know that she would not be here had we not engaged this battle. Ultimately, God would be the One and Only reason she would be here, but He asked us to fight. And so we did. And....we paid a huge price. financially. emotionally. physically. But we emerged carrying treasure. Words can't express the feeling of really knowing the weight that God carries in His heart for one child. I can't really even begin to explain what it is to know that how we fought for our daughter is how he fights for us - each of us - as the enemy wages war against our souls to deliver us to a destination that was not meant to be ours. There is something holy about the battle we engaged as we had the unique privilege to glimpse God's heart in a way I don't believe we ever would have otherwise. And we are changed.
But can I confide something in you? The battle that we fought to bring our daughter into our family, as crazy and unbelievable as it was, is nothing compared to the battle we have fought since we got her home. Look for Part 2 as I share something that God has laid on my heart to share as I emerge from the past 9 months of battling the darkness inside my own heart and my daughter's.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Habakkuk's Plea
Yesterday I sat with a dear friend who is in the same boat we are right now – waiting for a corrupt foreign government official to put his signature on a piece of paper releasing a child from life in an institution to life with a family. For months, in two different countries, separated by oceans and continents, two men have taken a child’s life into their own hands by refusing to offer freedom by the stroke of a pen. Pride? Indifference? Who knows what keeps them from doing this simple task that would secure life, peace and protection for an orphaned child. As we sat and talked, we visited an age old question. Where is justice for the children?
I was lead to Habakkuk this morning, and to my amazement, I found a man who, 2600 years ago, was asking the same question of God! Habakkuk’s name means “Embraced by God”. Interestingly, he was the only prophet that asked questions of God, rather than just reporting what God said to others. And the questions he asked were the same questions my friend and I found ourselves asking once again yesterday, “God, where is your justice for your children?” And God embraced him.
His people were being oppressed and held captive by an ungodly government. Take time to read the book of Habakkuk – it’s only 3 chapters long! But here is a summary: “God, where are you? Don’t you see this? I’m crying out to you for justice, and you are not doing anything!! Why do you show me this injustice if you aren’t going to do anything about it (Hab 1:3)??? These ungodly people prosper while your innocent children suffer!”
God answers with an acknowledgement of how bad things are and then tells Habakkuk that it is going to get worse. Habakkuk cries out to God again: “But aren’t you GOD??? How can you watch this – you are holy! Aren’t you going to DO something??? I know you could stop this, God!” I can so relate to Habakkuk in this, can’t you? It’s so easy to be completely overwhelmed by the injustice in this world – to get intimately involved with only one small child whose life is being sucked out of them by crushing injustice is more than we can handle. And then, how do we go beyond that? When we hear that there are 140 million orphans, or 2 million children being trafficked every year in the sex trade…it overwhelms our hearts and our concept of God to think of one child being subjected to this kind of torment, much less millions of children. It overwhelms us with sadness, but even more, I believe, it threatens our concept of God as loving and just. So we push those threatening thoughts aside, and as we struggle to forget those emerging questions, we struggle too, to forget the children that brought those questions to the surface. And the children pay the price for our fear and our indifference.
But Habakkuk was a man who wasn’t afraid to ask God those questions. And God embraced Habakkuk because justice is so much a part of who He is. In fact, He is the one that wired justice into us. He wants us to ask the hard questions. We need not be afraid to go deeper into the hard stuff – the realities of injustice on this earth and to look for God in those places. He will answer us there, just as He answered Habakkuk.
After Habakkuk’s second desperate plea for justice for the children of God, God responds with a revelation of what is to come. God tells Habakkuk to write the vision and make it plain – though it tarries, to wait for it….and He goes on to describe the justice He will bring to his people in the end in detail. He shares with Habakkuk that there is an appointed time for justice to come.
The end of the book is Habakkuk’s prayer – basically “Ok, I knew it! You are holy! You are sovereign! You DO care and you WILL bring justice! Even though things are terrible and I don’t know when and can’t see it now, I will rejoice in you, my strength.” He ends knowing that God is indeed just and that God will provide strength to wait until that time when He finally does bring justice to his people.
God sees, He knows, He cares, He is sovereign, and He is just. He will bring justice to this earth: “My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations.” (Isa 51:5) Are we willing to stand for that day? Are we willing to get our hands dirty and have our concept of God redefined in order to do all that He is calling us to do to plant seeds of justice, though we may not see the fruit in this lifetime?
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights.” (Hab. 3:17-19)
God embraced Habakkuk in his desperate plea to bring justice to his people, and He is embracing us in our desperate pleas to bring justice to this earth.
“Then the Lord replied, ‘Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” (Hab. 2:2-3)
Justice waits……
I was lead to Habakkuk this morning, and to my amazement, I found a man who, 2600 years ago, was asking the same question of God! Habakkuk’s name means “Embraced by God”. Interestingly, he was the only prophet that asked questions of God, rather than just reporting what God said to others. And the questions he asked were the same questions my friend and I found ourselves asking once again yesterday, “God, where is your justice for your children?” And God embraced him.
His people were being oppressed and held captive by an ungodly government. Take time to read the book of Habakkuk – it’s only 3 chapters long! But here is a summary: “God, where are you? Don’t you see this? I’m crying out to you for justice, and you are not doing anything!! Why do you show me this injustice if you aren’t going to do anything about it (Hab 1:3)??? These ungodly people prosper while your innocent children suffer!”
God answers with an acknowledgement of how bad things are and then tells Habakkuk that it is going to get worse. Habakkuk cries out to God again: “But aren’t you GOD??? How can you watch this – you are holy! Aren’t you going to DO something??? I know you could stop this, God!” I can so relate to Habakkuk in this, can’t you? It’s so easy to be completely overwhelmed by the injustice in this world – to get intimately involved with only one small child whose life is being sucked out of them by crushing injustice is more than we can handle. And then, how do we go beyond that? When we hear that there are 140 million orphans, or 2 million children being trafficked every year in the sex trade…it overwhelms our hearts and our concept of God to think of one child being subjected to this kind of torment, much less millions of children. It overwhelms us with sadness, but even more, I believe, it threatens our concept of God as loving and just. So we push those threatening thoughts aside, and as we struggle to forget those emerging questions, we struggle too, to forget the children that brought those questions to the surface. And the children pay the price for our fear and our indifference.
But Habakkuk was a man who wasn’t afraid to ask God those questions. And God embraced Habakkuk because justice is so much a part of who He is. In fact, He is the one that wired justice into us. He wants us to ask the hard questions. We need not be afraid to go deeper into the hard stuff – the realities of injustice on this earth and to look for God in those places. He will answer us there, just as He answered Habakkuk.
After Habakkuk’s second desperate plea for justice for the children of God, God responds with a revelation of what is to come. God tells Habakkuk to write the vision and make it plain – though it tarries, to wait for it….and He goes on to describe the justice He will bring to his people in the end in detail. He shares with Habakkuk that there is an appointed time for justice to come.
The end of the book is Habakkuk’s prayer – basically “Ok, I knew it! You are holy! You are sovereign! You DO care and you WILL bring justice! Even though things are terrible and I don’t know when and can’t see it now, I will rejoice in you, my strength.” He ends knowing that God is indeed just and that God will provide strength to wait until that time when He finally does bring justice to his people.
God sees, He knows, He cares, He is sovereign, and He is just. He will bring justice to this earth: “My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations.” (Isa 51:5) Are we willing to stand for that day? Are we willing to get our hands dirty and have our concept of God redefined in order to do all that He is calling us to do to plant seeds of justice, though we may not see the fruit in this lifetime?
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights.” (Hab. 3:17-19)
God embraced Habakkuk in his desperate plea to bring justice to his people, and He is embracing us in our desperate pleas to bring justice to this earth.
“Then the Lord replied, ‘Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” (Hab. 2:2-3)
Justice waits……
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